Schadenfreude
What ever happened to “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”?
About 95% of my friends and family are marvelously supportive. They listen to my fears and worries and reassure me that the universe moves in accord with God and positivity; that people have been having babies since the beginning of time, and that everything will be all right.
Of course, they do not know if everything will be all right. Neither do I. I’m not a fool. But I need this reassurance in order to stay positive. After all, there is no use worrying about something unless it happens. So why not stay positive? Why not expect the best? It’s a theory of mine that perennially unhappy people have extremely low expectations. It’s also a belief of mine that we are at least partial manifesters of our own destiny, and a negative outlook creates a negative reality. Unfortunately, the remaining 5% of my world is comprised of these folks.
Some of these Negative Nellies feel compelled to not only share their horror stories about childbirth and child-rearing with me, they assure me that I will also go through agonizing and miserable conditions. They tell me I have a good chance of getting gestational diabetes, or an episiotomy despite my birth plan instructions, or that I’ll hate myself afterward because of my sagging boobs and belly. That I will never sleep again. That I will never have time to myself again. That my marriage will be irrevocably changed, and not in a good way. That because of my “advanced maternal age” I have a good chance of birth defects (more on that ridiculous medical term later). Women whose husbands weren't happy about the children or involved in their care tell me my husband will act in kind. Women who resent their children because they did not pursue their personal life goals before having them tell me I will miss my "own" life. In other words, they are projecting their own experience onto me.
These are not bad people. I know in my heart to do not mean to hurt me, discourage me, or dash my dreams to bits. These are people who think that “reality" is best and they are doing me a favor by giving me the worst case scenario. What an awful way to live! Furtively looking under every rock for proverbial snakes before you sit down; glancing up in the trees to see if something metaphorical might fall on you before you sit beneath their branches. No wonder these people don’t seem very happy.
We don’t do this to children (at least, I hope you don’t), so why do we do it to one another? As a child readies themselves for their first Show and Tell, we don’t tell them the story of how we wet our pants the first time we spoke in front of the class, saying “…and so will you”. During a thunderstorm, we don’t decide to relate to a terrified child the story of how a tornado carried off our father in rural Kansas. So why do we assume that doing the moral equivalent to adults is logical or helpful?
Yes, I realize there are things I do not know that only experience can present. And I don’t assume difficult or even traumatic experiences will never happen to me. But I prefer not to live in fear. I prefer to have my own experience.
About 95% of my friends and family are marvelously supportive. They listen to my fears and worries and reassure me that the universe moves in accord with God and positivity; that people have been having babies since the beginning of time, and that everything will be all right.
Of course, they do not know if everything will be all right. Neither do I. I’m not a fool. But I need this reassurance in order to stay positive. After all, there is no use worrying about something unless it happens. So why not stay positive? Why not expect the best? It’s a theory of mine that perennially unhappy people have extremely low expectations. It’s also a belief of mine that we are at least partial manifesters of our own destiny, and a negative outlook creates a negative reality. Unfortunately, the remaining 5% of my world is comprised of these folks.
Some of these Negative Nellies feel compelled to not only share their horror stories about childbirth and child-rearing with me, they assure me that I will also go through agonizing and miserable conditions. They tell me I have a good chance of getting gestational diabetes, or an episiotomy despite my birth plan instructions, or that I’ll hate myself afterward because of my sagging boobs and belly. That I will never sleep again. That I will never have time to myself again. That my marriage will be irrevocably changed, and not in a good way. That because of my “advanced maternal age” I have a good chance of birth defects (more on that ridiculous medical term later). Women whose husbands weren't happy about the children or involved in their care tell me my husband will act in kind. Women who resent their children because they did not pursue their personal life goals before having them tell me I will miss my "own" life. In other words, they are projecting their own experience onto me.
These are not bad people. I know in my heart to do not mean to hurt me, discourage me, or dash my dreams to bits. These are people who think that “reality" is best and they are doing me a favor by giving me the worst case scenario. What an awful way to live! Furtively looking under every rock for proverbial snakes before you sit down; glancing up in the trees to see if something metaphorical might fall on you before you sit beneath their branches. No wonder these people don’t seem very happy.
We don’t do this to children (at least, I hope you don’t), so why do we do it to one another? As a child readies themselves for their first Show and Tell, we don’t tell them the story of how we wet our pants the first time we spoke in front of the class, saying “…and so will you”. During a thunderstorm, we don’t decide to relate to a terrified child the story of how a tornado carried off our father in rural Kansas. So why do we assume that doing the moral equivalent to adults is logical or helpful?
Yes, I realize there are things I do not know that only experience can present. And I don’t assume difficult or even traumatic experiences will never happen to me. But I prefer not to live in fear. I prefer to have my own experience.
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