Are You Ever Really Ready For The News?
I guess I should tell my half of the story about finding out we were pregnant. After all, there was quite a bit that was brewing in my pointy little mind before I managed to teleport downstairs and reveal the deed to my husband.
It was Christmas Day, as you have been told, and we had been cooking all day. One of our “married” traditions is that we fix a lavish spread for breakfast, including mimosas. For some reason, I wasn’t that interested in drinking my mimosa that morning. It was nearly full and still sitting on the coffee table by 1 pm. Had I not already unwittingly been inundated with The Stupids, perhaps I would have questioned my sudden aversion to champagne – a drink for special occasions that I love.
The real task at hand was preparing food for the dinner party we planned for that evening, and I had already been hard at work on my jalapeno cornbread dressing and apple pie. Feeling unsure as to what to do next, I was taking a break upstairs, playing on the computer.
It suddenly occurred to me that we had purchased wine to drink that night, and that although I wasn’t technically late until the next day, I’d better check to make sure, just in case. I whisked out a pregnancy test and went through the same old procedure that I had done seemingly a thousand times already. The first couple of months of trying to get pregnant had been exciting and titillating. Now I was starting to worry that something was wrong – that my parts might not work. That maybe Jack wasn’t eating enough vegetables. That maybe my school schedule was too stressful. So I wasn’t expecting to see the flashing picture turn to ‘PREGNANT’ almost immediately. Three minutes, my butt.
I felt as though I had been struck by nerve gas. Everything stopped. Traffic, time, the Dow, the earth spinning on its axis, Regis and Kelly, professional football; everything that assures us that life is constant and will never change came to a screeching halt.
You may think it’s strange for me to say that I was in shock or even surprised. After all, that’s what we were working toward, right? What we wanted? Then why was my heart beating so fast?
Perhaps perspective can be found in looking at how long I’ve intentionally waited for this. I’m 35. I didn’t get married until I was 31. It wasn’t because I didn’t have offers; it was because it didn’t feel right and I didn’t feel ready until the day Jack came back into my life at a college reunion. From that moment on I knew I was ready; knew it was right. I never questioned it once.
Well, take the reticence and hesitancy to get married and multiply that by one million when it came to having children. Is there anything more important, more life-changing than creating someone who did not previously exist? And henceforth being responsible for their well-being and care? I saw it as the most significant and substantial thing I could ever do. I wanted to wait until I knew I wouldn’t screw it up.
Truthfully, I was ready over a year ago. But with school it was impossible. Now it wasn’t. It was happening.
So I stood there, digesting that the most important decision I had ever made had actually come to fruition. It was the most terrifying, wonderful, and exciting moment of my life.
I had bought a book for Jack 6 months prior that I had planned to give him, wrapped all pretty, to tell him when I was finally pregnant. Of course I forgot all about this, and somehow went downstairs and thrust the stick in his face, wide-eyed; probably looking like I had seen a ghost. I felt guilty for some reason; like I was four years old, had broken a lamp, and had scooted on in to confess. To his credit, even without the slightest bit of warning, he took it in stride and was the calmer of the two of us most of the day. I couldn’t sit still. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t focus. We had made a baby! And it was growing! Right now! Inside of me! I’d close my eyes and imagine cells multiplying.
A few hours later, my heart slowed down, and time and the world started up again. Everything was okay. It’s just that you don’t get the news of your first child every day.
It was Christmas Day, as you have been told, and we had been cooking all day. One of our “married” traditions is that we fix a lavish spread for breakfast, including mimosas. For some reason, I wasn’t that interested in drinking my mimosa that morning. It was nearly full and still sitting on the coffee table by 1 pm. Had I not already unwittingly been inundated with The Stupids, perhaps I would have questioned my sudden aversion to champagne – a drink for special occasions that I love.
The real task at hand was preparing food for the dinner party we planned for that evening, and I had already been hard at work on my jalapeno cornbread dressing and apple pie. Feeling unsure as to what to do next, I was taking a break upstairs, playing on the computer.
It suddenly occurred to me that we had purchased wine to drink that night, and that although I wasn’t technically late until the next day, I’d better check to make sure, just in case. I whisked out a pregnancy test and went through the same old procedure that I had done seemingly a thousand times already. The first couple of months of trying to get pregnant had been exciting and titillating. Now I was starting to worry that something was wrong – that my parts might not work. That maybe Jack wasn’t eating enough vegetables. That maybe my school schedule was too stressful. So I wasn’t expecting to see the flashing picture turn to ‘PREGNANT’ almost immediately. Three minutes, my butt.
I felt as though I had been struck by nerve gas. Everything stopped. Traffic, time, the Dow, the earth spinning on its axis, Regis and Kelly, professional football; everything that assures us that life is constant and will never change came to a screeching halt.
You may think it’s strange for me to say that I was in shock or even surprised. After all, that’s what we were working toward, right? What we wanted? Then why was my heart beating so fast?
Perhaps perspective can be found in looking at how long I’ve intentionally waited for this. I’m 35. I didn’t get married until I was 31. It wasn’t because I didn’t have offers; it was because it didn’t feel right and I didn’t feel ready until the day Jack came back into my life at a college reunion. From that moment on I knew I was ready; knew it was right. I never questioned it once.
Well, take the reticence and hesitancy to get married and multiply that by one million when it came to having children. Is there anything more important, more life-changing than creating someone who did not previously exist? And henceforth being responsible for their well-being and care? I saw it as the most significant and substantial thing I could ever do. I wanted to wait until I knew I wouldn’t screw it up.
Truthfully, I was ready over a year ago. But with school it was impossible. Now it wasn’t. It was happening.
So I stood there, digesting that the most important decision I had ever made had actually come to fruition. It was the most terrifying, wonderful, and exciting moment of my life.
I had bought a book for Jack 6 months prior that I had planned to give him, wrapped all pretty, to tell him when I was finally pregnant. Of course I forgot all about this, and somehow went downstairs and thrust the stick in his face, wide-eyed; probably looking like I had seen a ghost. I felt guilty for some reason; like I was four years old, had broken a lamp, and had scooted on in to confess. To his credit, even without the slightest bit of warning, he took it in stride and was the calmer of the two of us most of the day. I couldn’t sit still. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t focus. We had made a baby! And it was growing! Right now! Inside of me! I’d close my eyes and imagine cells multiplying.
A few hours later, my heart slowed down, and time and the world started up again. Everything was okay. It’s just that you don’t get the news of your first child every day.
You're not alone in your thoughts and feelings. I started to tell you all about it, but it was getting so long, I turned it into a post on my blog. You can go read the rest of here: http://3stairs.com/2009/02/11/pregnant-pause-remembering-the-positive-test/
ReplyDeleteLong story short, congratulations, Dearest Katheryn!